Saturday, March 31, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Sometimes there are no words
Sometimes there are no words. I don't have the words in me to adequately express everything that going on inside my head right now. Maybe I have too many words and can't choose the right ones. I can tell you that there are so many things happening in there that the thoughts are careening around and running into each other. Many of the thoughts seem to have opposite polarities so that they speed up after impact and make my mind hot.
A friend encouraged me to take the time and write a little bit, even thought I don't have the words. For those of you that don't know, my dad is dying. A while ago, he stopped his chemo treatments to maintain some quality of life after a regrowth in his colon and increased masses in his lungs. The doctors gave him 2-3 weeks a little over 4 weeks ago. It's been rough for him as of late. We've been taking turns staying the night at my folks so that should anything happen mom wouldn't be there to deal with it alone. I stopped posting updates about dad a while ago. I'm not sure why. I think part of it was for his privacy. It just seemed weird to be telling the world about him and what I was personally wrestling with. I didn't want to be "that guy". I tend to see many of my closest friends pretty often so most of the ones that wanted to know would ask and I guess I figured that I didn't want to bother everyone else with the details. At least that's what I was telling myself. As I've pondered it all I wondered if there was something more?
One of the things I most admire in people is their ability to jump first and live in the moment. I have a lot of people in my life that live pretty fearlessly. They make decisions quickly, will try just about anything and get things done because they are willing to start doing it before they figure out how it should be done. They are brave in the face of new challenges and once they knock one off of their list they move on to the next one. They'll write something out and share it on a blog without self-editing. I want to be like that, or at least I think I do. My daughter Lily is a great example. She is an "I can do it" kinda gal. As a father I am so proud of her hutzpah and simultaneously terrified. I don't ever want her to lose that spirit but I do want her to live to see her 16th birthday. So my life with her is a little like a high wire act and when I'm trying to balance life I see the thing rising in me that I do not like and I feel, at times, I'm mostly discouraging her creative, precocious nature.
In reality, I'm a cautious guy. I see the consequences of actions right up there with the benefits of trying something. I have trouble making decisions. When I finally start stuff, I lose steam easily because the joy of the new idea wears off quickly. If I can't do something right, i.e.: with the correct tools, in an archival and lasting manner, with all instructions upfront, with a fool-proof plan or a fail-safe option (if I should happen to screw it up) etc. I've tried not to be like this, but bottom line is: that's who I am, at least I think so. You see, there is this other side of me that is creative and loves to pick up new things and try them out. I'm all about brainstorming and inventing. I love artwork and pleasant surprises. Random accidents often produce better results in almost anything I happen to be working on so I treasure them and invite them into the process. I love contributing and collaborating. When I look at Lily, I see me at that age and wonder what happened. I feel as I am 2 people in the same person that are struggling to know their place.
So back to dad, when I was publicly grappling with how to live and walk through this season of life I started thinking of what could happen. What if this draws out forever and people tire of me? What if I have some sort of breakdown and every gets to observe? What if the rest of my family is upset by what I say? What if I sound like I'm whining? What if dad is healed? What if someone worse off is offended? All of those questions and more were swirling around in my brain and made me wonder when I started caring so much about the perceptions of others? When it comes down to it, this is a weak moment in my life and I guess I don't like being exposed in my weakness. I think I'd prefer to pick and choose the parts of my life that I allow God to be my strength in. I'd rather not truly allow those closest to me to see the cracks and failings that I will inevitably have while trying to deal with Dad's illness (and really a whole lot more). They say that the squeeze of life's pressures reveal who we truly are. Trying times certainly expose things in people and I'm a little afraid of what might be seen, especially since I'm not quite sure who I am at this moment. I do know my own "lameness" all too well and it's not something I want to review with the internet. But…
I also happen to be a guy with a semi-public job. As an artist, musician, pastor, etc., all of the things I specialize in are invitations into the way I see. God has given me this gift of noticing things about Him and finding ways to express them. By creating things I am putting my stamp on the work as a glimpse into how I view it. When I lead a song I am essentially endorsing the themes, sentiments and theology of that work. I am also taking that work and interpreting it creatively to express something about it's meaning to me. (At least that's the goal, I don't always succeed.) Same thing with visual art and spoken/written works. My goal with anything I am creating is to bring a spark of "me-ness" to the things I'm making to communicate something. This work is my worship. This is how I glorify the uniqueness God has implanted within my brain and heart. So with that in mind, there's a whole aspect of my life that cannot be closed off to others, especially those that call me friend.
So as comfortable as it might be for me to hide out during this journey or cling to the little strength I have for fear of embarrassment, those things are the antithesis of what God wants. He wants to perfect His power and me and the only way that is going to happen is if I concede my weakness and allow Him to be strong. (2 corinthians 12:9-10) In total honesty I can say that I'm not thrilled about that. But when I think about what prepared me for this journey and how much I knew walking into this situation with Dad I realized that I had learned it all from the weakness of others. The journeys recounted in Brennan Manning and Henri Nouwen's books have helped prepare me. More that those authors, walking through similar seasons with friends like Mike and Jeanne taught me all sorts of things about what this could look like and how to learn and teach about God's strength at the same time.
So if you're still reading, welcome to the journey. I know there's a lot of terrible things going down on this planet and some of it hits close to home. But I'm not living those lives so I can't really speak to those things but it doesn't mean I overlook them either. All I can share is my story and where I'm at and all I can say is what I have the words for and it turns out there are a few more in there than I thought.
Labels: blog, dad, strength.honesty, weakness
