When Reality Gets Whacked
I should be sleeping right now. I have a 6 am meeting with some of my best friends that I really don't want to miss. I fear if I don't get some of this out of me then it will haunt me all night and I'll never sleep. Writing here is an outlet and it's good that people can choose to read it or avoid it. I guess this spot has become more for me than it has for others and I think that's ok.
Today we got some news that Dad's levels are at a 10 which is a mixed message if sorts. They were at a 10 last time (end of January) so they've stabilized which could mean that the treatments could be working. However, the fact that they are high so it's concerning. Each time we get news like this the effect is peculiar. It doesn't really rock me anymore but another wave of reality washes over my thoughts and now I consider what the days ahead may look like.
I got a Thank you card from Dad and Mom the other day that was sweet. It told both Valerie and I that they were proud of us and the fact that our lives are dedicated to serving God. I know that Mom and Dad tell my siblings that they are proud of them too so I'm not bragging. I also know a lot of kids never hear their parents say that they are proud of them, ever. So I don't take that for granted, no matter how many times Dad or Mom say or write that they are proud of me.
The bigger surprise today revealed that I do take some things for granted. I received a message from someone I've respected and admired for a long time. I grew up looking up to and being influenced by them in many ways. I tell stories to my kids about life-changing moments due to the advice of this particular person at critical moments in my life. I don't want to reveal too much here but the note basically communicated that they don't support something I've chosen to dedicate my life and time to and to not contact them again about it. I totally understand that people are busy, they give in lots of places and when you're successful you get a lot more requests but I've never asked this person for anything and even in this case it was not for myself.
I have to say that this rocked me. I've not been able to let go of it all evening. I only asked this person because I believed that they understood my motivations in helping others. I was wrong. Oddly, there are a bunch of folks that have no connection to me other than ministry. Many of those people would take a bullet on my behalf and are completely proud of that God can use someone like me. Now I find myself wondering who is on my side? Am I taking this personally, yeah I guess I am.
I've always assumed family and friends that are (or should be) closest to me supported the choices I've made in life. This was particularly true when it came to leaving the rat race to pursue a ministry that wrapped my talents and desires into one job. I consider it a privilege promoting, teaching about and leading people to Jesus (which is my passion). How could anyone who truly knows me view that decision as unintelligent, irresponsible or a step down from where I was? Maybe they never knew me at all?
Today I learned some harsh lessons:
- Even your real life heroes can disappoint you
- Memories are just that when it comes to people.
- Your entire perception of what you thought you were can be hijacked in an instant by people that don't "get it."
- I am officially an adult. This won't likely make me seem any older to all of you. It will snap me out of holding onto memories as my definition of a person when it comes to life-long relationships.
- I have people in my life that are closer than family and would do anything they could to help
- I still have real life heroes that do get it. In fact, I happen to be married to one of them.
- My Father God, in heaven, loves me…finds joy in me, is proud of me for one reason only: because I am his son.“So he got up and went to his father. ‘But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.’” – Luke 15:20 NIV
